How to save a Narnian fanfic
by LucyCrewe11
Summary: What happens when the Pevensies refuse to star in a fanfic? Everything goes crazy, that's what.


**AN: First things first, this is a spoof! it's meant purely as a joke. Also if you like the BBC Narnia you really shouldn't read this, I say sort of mean jokes about that in here, so if you don't like it, don't give me a bad review because of something like that, just don't read it okay? Otherwise enjoy! (Oh and the Narnia-nerds joke is not meant to be mean, only funny. In fact, I'm a huge Narnia-nerd!)**

_We see a London street. we zoom in closer and closer past several lamp posts (Not the narnian one!) until we focus on a house. Soon we are in the house but we don't see anyone yet... _

"Once upon a time there were four children who were called Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy_..." _The Narrator began._ (we don't see him yet we just hear his voice)_ No Children showed up. "I said, Once upon a time there were four children called, Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy..._"_

_The narrator suddenly appears in the house and looks around. _"Where are those kids?"

_The Narrator's assistant runs up to him carrying a clipboard. _"They aren't coming, sir." He said shaking his head and looking down his clipboard. "They said and I quote 'we refuse to appear in anymore fanfictions. They all stink! C.S. Lewis, is turning over in his grave' end quote."

"Well this this is just great." The Narrator threw his hands in the air. "How can we have a Narnia fanfiction without the Pevensies?"

"I don't know." The assistant said in a nervous voice.

"They all said they weren't coming?"

"Yes sir!"

"Even the little girl?" The Narrator hoped Lucy wouldn't let him down.

"She said..." _the assistant looks down at his clipboard again_. "And I quote, 'Over my dead body' End quote." He looked up. "Then she kicked me in the shins." _He lifts up his pants and shows his boss a large bruise._

The Narrator pulled out his cell phone. "No matter, we'll just get Eustace and Jill."

_Eustace is sitting in an easy chair in some weird little room knitting a rainbow colored scarf. The phone rings. He picks it up. _"Hello, Eustace Scrubb speaking. I am copyrighted to Mr. C.S. Lewis but I know you don't care because I'm not a king until the last battle and who even reads all the way to the Last battle other than narnia-nerds?"

"Eustace!" The Narrator exclaimed happily. "Thank The Lion! Look we've got a real problem here, We need you to appear in a fanfic."

"Why do you need me all of a sudden?" Eustace asked. "I'm trying to knit!"

"The Pevensies didn't show." The narrator explained.

Eustace got very upset. "Oh, I see how it is! When you've got High King Peter you don't need little Eustace! When you've got King Edmund saving the day Eustace get's pushed aside. And then you want me to drop everything and come running to you well you know what? You are a..." _we have removed the following quotes by Eustace Scrubb they were a little too um, colorful for a Narnia fanfic. _

"Well that didn't go well." The assistant gulped.

"Don't worry about it." The Narrator told him. "Jill will stand by me we once worked together on a very AU version of The Lion The Witch And the Wardrobe."

"What ever happened to that Fic?" the assistant asked.

"It got so many bad reviews that the writer took it off."

"Oh." _They have a moment of silence then quickly get over it. _

_Jill Pole is sleeping. The phone rings. In her sleep she knocks it over and it smashes on the floor. She rolls over and still doesn't wake up._

"Time to call Polly and Digory." The Narrator dials Polly's number.

_Polly is standing next to an ambulance and Digory is on the stretcher and is being carried in by paramedics._

"Polly, why can't you and Digory fill in?" The Narrator demands.

"Let's just say we were doing the limbo at a party and Digory found out how low he could go."

"Are you sure you guys can't just get over here?"

"I think he's dead." one Paramedic from inside the ambulance said.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Polly told the Narrator. "Look, I've got to go."

"Don't hang up!" The Narrator begged. _click. _"She hung up."

"Alright, let's get Reepicheep on the phone." The Narrator sighed, "Better a funny mouse than no cast at all."

_Reepicheep is running as fast as his legs can carry him away from the cat that he tied up in the movie version of "Prince Caspian" who wants revenge. needless to say he doesn't pick up his cell phone_

"Now what are we going to do?" The assistant asked. "People are reading this right now!"

"Maybe we should cut to the previews." The Narrator gave in.

"I thought previews weren't allowed on ." The assistant gasped. "Wasn't it in the guidelines?"

"Puh-lease, no one reads those!" Narrator rolls his eyes. "Now on with the previews."

PREVIEW ONE: _In a world where nothing seems right...two kings will set everything back to the way it should be...from the writer who brought you, "The High King gets hitched" And "The Chronicles of a fan girl." Penname IStalkfamouspeople is proud to present, "When Kings buy bombs." making a bang on the web as soon as Istalkfamouspeople gets out of rehab. _

_PREVIEW 2: Aslan said it she'd never come back but what if he was wrong? Penname IhateRamandusdaughter is proud to present..."When Queens come back" Susan/Caspian._

"That was pitiful." The Narrator shook his head as he appeared back on the page.

"But the good news is that we finally got them to agree to come." The assistant told him.

"You got the Pevensies to come?" The Narrator gasped happily. "Thank you! Thank you!" He kissed the assistant's head.

_Four dorky kids that look nothing like the Pevensies walk in_. Peter_ looks like he's the youngest one. Susan is blond. Edmund wont stop frowning and Lucy is a bit...cubby._

"These are the BBC Pevensies." The Narrator looked horrified. "I thought we agreed that we didn't work with them anymore since the Disney movies came out! Penname IHeartDisneyDudes is not going to like this."

"Oh come on!" BBC Susan said. "So what if we sounded like we were reading from cue-cards? We still were good."

"You keep thinking that, dear." The Narrator rolled his eyes. He glared at his assistant. "Get me the real Pevensies or I'll fire you!"

"Looks like it's back to the storage closet for us." BBC Edmund shrugged. "Come on, maybe we can pick up some food on the way." _the BBC Pevensies walk off the set._

"Maybe we should show more previews." The assistant offered.

All the readers at the same time: No!

"Maybe we can find a fanfic without the Pevensies in it." The assistant tried.

"We don't have Eustace, Jill, Dirgory, or Polly either." The Narrator reminded him.

"No prob." The assistant said. "We'll just bring in the characters everyone forgot existed."

"Yeah? Like who?"

_The 'Us Lions' Lion, Gwendolen, Ivy, Margaret, Betty, and Peepiceek walk in. _

"Brilliant!" The Narrator exclaimed. "I love it! who needs High King Peter when we've got them?"

_Peter walks in_._The Narrator falls at Peter's feet and hugs his legs. _

"Thanks be to the lion!" He exclaimed. "You came back!" _Tears of joy are now streaming down the narrator's face. _"The fanfic would've never have been clicked on with out you!"

"I forgot my coat." He picked up his coat from a chair in the back ground. _He turns to leave again._

"No! don't leave me!" The Narrator begged him as he grabbed onto his legs again. "I need you! The team needs you!"

"It looks like you've replaced us." Peter shrugged.

"No, there losers!" the Narrator bawled. "No one cares about them!"

"Hey!" Gwendolen protested. "People like me, They like my relationship with Aslan."

"Everyone knows you're just a Lucy Pevensie knock off." The Narrator snapped at her. "We want Lucy not you!"

"That's it!" Gwendolen burst into tears. "It's always Lucy this and Lucy that! I'm calling the Lewis Estate! People there care about me!" _Gwendolen stormed out. _

"They don't care about her there either." Mouthed the 'us lions' Lion.

"Look," The Narrator said to Peter. "Can't you stay?"

"Oh, alright." Peter gave in. "I'll stay but only if you let go of my legs."

_The Narrator let's go of Peter's legs._

_Lucy walks in. _"Aslan?" She called looking around this way and that. "I heard Aslan was here?" _She notices the 'us lions' Lion mistakes him for Aslan and hugs him. _

"I love you, Lucy." The 'Us Lions' Lion said.

_Lucy smacks the lion._ "You're not Aslan! Ew, now I have non-Aslan lion germs all over me! I want my lawyer!" _The Lion runs away crying._

"Lucy, Sweetie, please stay and be in this fanfiction, the internet needs you." The Narrator begged.

"Can I act OOC?" Lucy looked like she was consisting it.

"You can act as OOC as you want." The Narrator promised.

"Then I'll stay." Lucy said. "So long as I don't have to do that stupid 'I'm such a cute little girl crud people are always forcing on me. I don't want to 'bond' with my siblings!" Lucy did air quotes on bonding. "Where's my latté?"

_The assistant takes a latté away from Ivy and hands it to Lucy. _

"I got your message!" _Susan runs in holding a pager. _

"What message?" Peter asked her.

"The one that said they were giving away free lipstick." Susan said.

"I didn't send that." Peter insisted.

_The narrator chuckled to himself. It was the smartest idea he'd ever come up with_. "Well, now that you're hear why don't we do a fanfic or two?"

"Fine." Susan huffed. "Let's get this over with."

"Too bad we don't have Edmund." The Narrator sighed. "Then we could really get something going." He turned to the remaining minor characters. "You're fired, we don't need you anymore."

_The remaining minor characters sigh, hang their heads and walk off. _

_Edmund comes in. "_Sup?"

"Edmund, what are you doing here?" Susan asked.

"I'm not Edmund, I'm now the C.S. Lewis character formally known as Edmund." Edmund told them firmly. "And that's the only name I will answer to."

"Okay, let's start with post last battle fic." The Narrator said.

_We are no longer in a house but in an open air train station after a crash where dead bodies are being identified._

_Susan stands alone weeping softly. _

Excuse me Miss." Someone who we don't even care about enough to name said. "Is this your brother? I know you just went through trauma but I simply don't care and am proceeding to show you dead people anyway." _the Person we don't care about enough to name wheels in a body covered by a long black blanket._

_Susan slowly peels it back and gasps when she sees it is her brother Peter. She puts her hand to her heart. _

"Well, do you know him?"

"Nope." Susan shrugged. "Sorry never seen him before."

_Peter sits up and glares at her. _"Hey! Aren't you upset that I'm dead?"

"Not Really." Susan shook her head.

"That does it!" _Peter gets off the thing (it doesn't matter what kind of thing) he's on and storms off. _

"Don't get up." The Narrator shouted at him. "Lay back down, you're dead!"

_Peter doesn't listen and them begins to scarf down doughnuts from the dessert table to the left of him. _

"Wait, I can save this fic!" The Narrator declared. "Let's turn it into one of those sappy, High king falls in love bits!"

"What?" Peter asked with his mouth full. He knew he should've stayed in bed that morning. For he knew this meant a Mary-sue was on her way. _The doughnut crumbs fly out of his mouth and hit Lucy in the face. _

"Say it, don't spray it!" Lucy told him.

_A blond girl in a pink dress runs into the room. _"Hi William!"

"My name's Peter." Peter told her. "You're getting me mixed up with the guy that played me in the Disney movie."

"Yeah, whatever." Mary-sue said. "Let's just skip to the wedding."

"Get away from me!" Peter cried._ Peter begins to run as fast as he can around the studio. _

_Mary-sue can't run fast in her heels so she pleads with him to slow down. _"William!"

"My name's Peter!"

"Whatever!"

_Peter looks to his brother for help. _"Edmund, help me!"

_Edmund frowns at him. _"I'm not Edmund, I'm the C.S. Lewis character formally known as Edmund!"

"That does it!" _Peter tackles Edmund and they get into a fight. _

"Well I guess this fic is doomed." the Narrator's Assistant said with a sigh.

"Don't worry about it, I know how we can get favorited tons of times even though this is the worse Narnia fic ever written!" He said joyfully.

"How."

"We'll pass it off as a parody!"

"Brilliant!"

**AN: So did you think it was stupid or did it actually make you laugh? Please review and let me know.**


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